the disgusting things I did to see conan obrian

After gettting the notice about the Chicago shows of CONAN O'BRIAN/ son of the letterman/ nerdy bud of us all/
secret barbarian warrior waiting/waiting/waiting
for the order to come down

..

i shot off an email hoping to get tickets to see him with the clownish prince dave chappel, george wendt and . . . that bad assssssss band (and wishing andy richter would show, as always).








CONAN AND CREW,

PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE LET ME COME TO THE SHOW.... I'VE BEEN SAVING SOME CLEAN UNDERWEAR FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS. WELL, PRETTY CLEAN. THE CLEANEST. WHEN I WEAR THEM, SINCE THEY ARE MY FAVORITE UNDERWEAR IN THE WHOLE WORLD, BLACK SILK WITH LITTLE WHITE PLAYBOY BUNNY HEADS, I LIKE TO TUCK A BIT OF TOLIET PAPER IN THE OLD BUM TO MAKE SURE NO STINKY CRACK JUICES SEEP INTO ME SHORTS. YOU CAN BET I'LL BE PACKING THE NIGHT OF YOUR SHOW!!! I'll be so proud if I can get Conan to sign a wad of papery bummed juices!!!! I just know he'll honor me by sniffing the pen, afterwards -- as is the way of my people, as any Harvard grad would know!!!


PLEASE OH PLEASE CHOOSE ME...I WILL SLEEP WITH ANYONE I HAVE TO.





Of course, I was only kidding about sleeping with people, because I kick in my sleep and snore and scream out for various vegetibles and squeak like the Hamster Hermie (who for some reason I always dream I am, this hamster general leading this vast, sqeauking, gasious army of sadly short taled rodents). I guess they took me seriously though, because when I showed up for the show some guy had my name on a clip board and i was made to sign some kind of release and then taken down into a grungy bathroom in the basement of the Chicago Theater, where some rough, coach like guys shaved my entire body and bathed me in a cold vat of old spice and ben gay.... WELL, THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW AND the sodomy got a little rough from here on out... so let me save that for the memoir. ... Not that I am complaining, it was worth all the money they could charge up on my credit cards to keep the party going, worth even the blood and organs they made me sell to buy them hot dogs to throw at homeless people. And sure, that is one way of feeding them... and who am i, I Pain tainted well beyond media standards of electibility for even the lowly post of piss pot removal (yes, I ran and they savaged me in the press... said since i didn't have a pot of mine own to piss in, that my jelousy would lead to sloppy clean up.... yea, maybe they did have a point... damn them their peculiar genius) to judge Conan... I mean, on anything other than the ridiculously small size of his penis.

Below is the fun notice from the crew of the conan... great barbarian warrior and lover of liberal libations!!!



Late Night with Conan O'Brien










COMES TO CHICAGO!


















Congratulations! In response to your request for tickets, we are pleased to inform you that we are holding 2 tickets for you for Late Night with Conan O'Brien in Chicago! Please be aware ticket distribution is in excess of seating capacity; therefore, this reservation does not guarantee admittance. YOU MUST BRING THIS LETTER WITH YOU TO CLAIM YOUR TICKETS. There will be no exceptions.











The show you are scheduled to see will tape on WEDNESDAY, MAY 10, 2006. This letter may not be used for alternate dates.










The show will tape from 4:30 to 5:30 p.m. Your suggested arrival time is no later than 3:15, though be aware lines may form earlier. As stated above, ticket distribution is in excess of seating capacity; therefore, a ticket/reservation does not guarantee admittance. Lines will form outside The Chicago Theatre on the North East corner of State Street and Lake Street. Please be advised that the taping schedule is subject to change, possibly without notice.








Should you have any questions, please refer to our website at www.nbc.com/conan or the theater's website at www.thechicagotheatre.com.
















We look forward to seeing you there!