I AM INCREASING THE SECURITY CHECKS THAT PEOPLE WHO STOP BY HAVE TO GO THROUGH

With the recently aborted Christmas day bombing...  The Ball Burner...  I have no choice.

  Every man in the world collectively winched when we heard about the bomb being in the front of his underwear.  Generations of young men and women will most likely be saved from the brain washing of radical Islamics simply by the idea that they may, at some point, be asked to attach a bomb to their genitals.  Can you imagine the day they told him about where the bomb would be?  There are strong, biological imperatives that drive men to refuse to do ANYTHING that might harm their nuts, let alone their penises.

Regardless of how I feel about this matter, I know that there is the thought that if you are going to be blown to bits, what does it matter where the bomb is?  Others will buy this argument...  though I swear, myself, to the Powers That Be, that while I may at some point turn to terroristic tactics if a fascist regime started deciding to set up death camps for the latest, greatest demonized demographic, I swear that I will not join, or found, any guerrilla units for anyone who uses genitalia related bombing techniques.   Again, Regardless....  I cannot stop others from hiding explosives in their nethers.  I mean, let's face it, now that the Terrorists have reached the strapping bombs to penises stage, the asshole cannot be far behind.

The Asshole Bomber will scream the headlines across the country.... well, that is not going to happen here at the Elves Attic... NOT UNDER MY WATCH.  From now on, all people who come into my apartment are going to have to have their assholes checked.  Basically, I hired this guy who lives downstairs to shove his arm, up to the elbow, into the rectum of all visitors to my apartment, to check for explosives ....  weird guy...  guess I should admit that he is actually paying me for the right to do what he refers to as 'fisting' all my visitors (some kind of slang these terrorism experts use, obviously...).   Yes, I know this is going to be controversial when M's mother comes over on New Years Day, but we have no way of knowing if she is a sleeper agent or not?  M. is launching her usual protests about my security measures (yes, people have died because of the booby traps that I set up on the doors, but they were mostly Jehovah Witnesses and Mormon missionaries..  though I do regret that the US Mail will no longer service us, and surely there is no arguing that the postal carrier is better off without his hands, as I tried to do in court, because people will simply not listen to logic).  This time I will not bend, however.  The pets and M. are ultimately my responsibility, as the military intelligence expert here (M. does note even like war movies, for God's sake, so how would she even know what to do?).

In these highly dangerous times, everyone has to make certain sacrifices to insure our safety.  Having your bum 'fisted' is just one of them.  I hopefully will be able to relax these security measures in the future, perhaps even the day after M's mom tries to get in the apartment to spend the day whining about growing old (was this some surprise to her, that she was going to grow old? Come on... but M just caters to her...  I swear if I could smack her around a little, she would work her way past this, gain some 'closure,' as the idiots say).  Some may even refuse to subject themselves to this security.  Like her mom, perhaps... though this is not my reason for doing this, no matter how much M. acts like I am either 1)  'joking,' or 2) 'just fucking nuts,'  or 3) 'trying to get her mom to turn around and go home.'

I know that she will thank me in the end.  I mean, we have gone eight years without a terrorist attack on the apartment, and M acts like this was by accident!!!!!   Without my efforts, I can assure you, we would be confetti on some dudes parade into heaven to claim his damn virgins.