FREELANCE PERSONAL INCONTINENT ADVISER

Young and old, man and woman, dog and cat....  we got this gaping hole in our bodies where we get rid of our food and the dark, horrible reality that all must face is that  sometimes it leaks.  This is nothing I ever wanted to know about life....  We go through toilet training for this shit, the first brutality becomes the sudden disapproval of something one has come to take for granted  those first few months of life   After that, I thought this was a defeated enemy, but no... on tv and everywhere I am reading about adult diapers and Personal Incontinent Adviser's  -- and of course, having heard that this position exists, I felt it my responsibility to apply.

I had this vision of myself being endlessly amused by announcing what I did for a living at dinner parties (while I am trying to avoid calling this a shitty topic, I cannot stop myself from repeatedly using the word shit  -- something about the visceral nature of this topic, which evokes in us as much sensory memory as the scent of something more pleasant, like lilacs...  for those of you who can smell them both now as you read this, I do apologize).

Okay.. so, I  applied to be a Personal Incontinent Advisor, even changing my resume around to read that my primary interest in life was 'shit.'  The guy in HR who read my resume found it funny and wanted to hire me.  Turns out, he makes shit jokes all day long.  They all do in that office.  He liked my attitude and recommended me for hire.

I had written on the resume, as a joke, that I would work so diligently that I would need their esteemed adult diapers myself, because I would be way too focused on my work to be bothered with animal necessities like bathroom breaks.  I made it out like adult diapers made for super employees, and excellent student tools after too much coffee.  I wrote about a future where we would no longer be 'slaves to plumbing,'  and could freely, with no social stigma, no matter if at the desk or the dinner table, poop and/or pee ourselves.  I became convinced by my own rhetoric.  Even after the company let me go, for wearing a shirt into work the first day reading, "I just shit myself.  Feel it while it's still warm!!!"  I guess jokes only  go so far with these people.  All white shirts and ties in front of the bosses.  Works against me.  I have lost many positions because of my provocative t-shirts, what can you do?    I mean, I wear that shirt everywhere and this was the first time that I had ever thought it was actually appropriate.  They want you to dress a certain way, they should provide the clothes.  Like the army.  And I told those security guards as much while they were escorting me out.

So now I am working as a  freelance Incontinent Advisor, pretty much cruising the Incontinent Forums and leaving small turds of wisdom.  So far no one has paid me, though I always tell them how much to pay me for my pearls of wisdom.  Old people and cripples are thieves, pretty much.  At least the incontinent ones on these forums.  People who poop themselves a lot get crafty, you know...because they  don't want other people to know.  They are always sneaking off somewhere where their grunts won't be noticed, let alone the beatific smile afterwards (allow me my delusions, please, this is how I keep from slitting my throat).

Anyways, any of you who read this on an Incontinent Forum, get out your credit cards and call me NOW to pay for this.   I may even throw in a ten minute chat about the consistency of your bowel, for a nominal extra fee   --   if you do not have a whiny voice.  For a complete list of the topics we can discuss for what price per minute, all you people have to do is call.  I am sure that will happen.  Until then, you had better watch out...  seriously, I can see you thru the computer... didn't know they did that, did ya gramma?*



*you would be surprised by how many people will believe this, especially with webcams. Or you will be, if anyone ever does.  This footnote is not helping... oh, well.