THE GOLDEN SHIV AWARDS..

Johnny Pain: Hey, I'm back. I want to thank all my readers for just assuming it was true that I died of unexplained rectal bleeding... had someone bothered to look, they would have found that a super glue accident -- the kind of thing that could happen to anyone whose vision was obscured by having hamsters glued to their face -- has had me stuck to a wall in the basement for the last ten weeks. I survived only by eating both of my legs and most of my left ear.... well, I fed the ear to the hamsters, actually. Then I had to eat them, too... the irony, huh?

Thank dog I was rescued just in time to announce the advent of THE GOLD SHIV AWARDS.



A lot of my readers are in prison, and I like to assume those who are not will end up there (for my young readers, just let me say that you just keep dissecting your neighborhood's pets and collected mom's used tampons and I am sure in no time you'll be 'living the dream' of digging up corpses for your own little private orgies and genital feasts). Since this kind of makes me a voice among serial killers, who are often the most feared prisoners... I decided to use this tiny scrap of power, like I do them all, for petty impulses... To this end, I here-by announce a new award, THE GOLDEN SHIV, which I have to decided to start GIVING AWAY TO THE PRISONER who shiv's the most digusting, child-fucking freak.

In this noble tradition, I will be nominating certain prisoners who I am sure if killed would win some lucky criminal THE GOLDEN SHIV . . . did I mention which comes with cigarettes and phone cards for an entire month . . . not to mention, massive appeal with those prison bitches?

Today, I am very happy to see that the FBI has taken in Warren Steed Jeffs, mormon child fucker extrodinaire... I mean, if there anything worse than being a religous childfucker, it is heading a cult of religious childfuckers... right? Hint, hint, hint... wink.


Seems now the evidence has cleared the other big media pervert, Karr... and I want to apologize to all the good criminals incarcerated in the Boulder, Colorado area, since I have had to lower the threat assessment of this Jon-benet nut (though when he said that our coolness, Johnny Depp, should play him in a movie I did picture him deheaded for a few seconds, for emotional balance).


GO OUT AND WIN THE GOLDEN SHIV AWARD and impress your cellmates, pick up more crazy women who send you letters that smell like your dead victims, and earn the respect of guards and parole boards and circus clowns...

This could be a whole new start for some loser. You could finally get the respect you almost deserve... so, do a couple shots of that home brew you made from last tuesday's fruit cocktail cup and sharpen up your shiv's!!!