the elves attic

I called up old Charlie Estevez --


that's Sheen to you people who are not in the Biz. "Charlie," I said, "What's with these divorce proceedings, man... I mean, crack, whores, child porn, sure, whatever.. but man, now she is saying that you won't use coasters?"

"That is a fucking lie!, " He screamed, "I goddamn well love coasters!!! I am using fucking three as we speak." He was using a voice that I recognized as his meth--crack--wanking while he talks on the phone voice.
"They are saying you spent ungodly amounts of money on some hooker."
"Who hasn't spent fifty grand on hookers during a crack binge? People who can't fucking afford it, that's who."
"Well, they are the ones who are judging you. Perhaps if they could afford it, you're saying, they would..."
"Dam right. Bastards and bitches... I am a fucking king!!!"
"They're saying that year in aa was all a sham, that you are pilling out from the net, and...."
"And as far as the pills go, man, I am doing some serious fucking art on Two and a Half men, and sometimes I need something to take me to that special place. I'm like Morrison in concert, man, except with a kid. What you think of that kid, he's kind of cute, isn't he? I mean, if you were a fag, or liked em' hairless. You ever been to Thailand?"
"No. So you did spend all that money on hookers?"
"I love my hookers. You can get em' all to shave for five grand. Hell, I am a fucking King!! Like I told that skank who whelped my two lovely children through her aids frothy, worn out old cunt. Shit, I left some bets like an hour ago that were supposed to come in thirteen fucking seconds ago!!! What the fuck am I paying that damn bookie for? Shit, did I drop some crack in here once? I think I did. I'm going to check the entire carpet... wait, no you do that. Get the fuck on your knees bitch, and while your down there... call me daddy, okay? I'll pay you five hundred bucks. Cool."
"Charlie, we're talking on the phone."
"Wait, who is this?"
"Dude, I was calling up to ask about you pushing your wife around and basically threatening her life, in front of your daughters."
"That's balls, man. Big fucking balls...That's what that is. I told her, you leave me, you won't live to enjoy it... "
"But Charlie, you are such a fucking pussy. You only took up acting so your tough routine would stop everyone from kicking your crusty come licking, me-me-me-centered, prick sprewing puss headed mentality.... In fact, when you add in the 9--11 crap about the buildings being blown up by the fucking CIA and Bush, it makes me wish some spook would stop by your fucking hollywood bungalow and tell you just what they think of your fucking theory... Quit that fucking whimpering and crying."
"Man, I shit and pissed myself ... three times. Second time I thought it was just a fart, but no... third time, that third time, I knew it was goddamn turd and I couldn't gather the will to stop it from coming out."
"That's it... You know what? You are too fucking scummy to go on the psycho killers shit list... you would actually make the whole list smell too much like puss spewing veneral diseases. I can take a little of that smell, but you are just... I can smell that shit over the phone now, Charlie."
"I think I dropped some crack in here. I checked for it yesterday, on this meth trip, for about ten hours. I should have kept looking because it is so there. Would you kneel down and look..."
"Once again, we are talking on the phone, I am not there and that lame crack head blow job line is never going to work on me."
"Aren't you a crack whore?"
"No."
"Then why the fuck am I... you a bookie, got me some xanax, or anything else useful to me???"
"You are really giving crack smoking, whore and child fucking gamblers with out of whack egos a bad name, Charlie."
"I'm sorry."
"Eat your own shit or I am going to fly out there and kick your ass!!! Do it you bastard!!!"
"Yuck.. wait, this is.. uhmmm... oh, yea..."
"Okay, stop it!!! Stop it!!! Oh, god, after just talking to you I have to burn off my top three layers of skin with a bic lighter. . ."
"Hey, Emilio, come in here... I think I dropped some crack in here..."
"Arrgghhh!!!!"