Hey kids, slapst-stick serial killer, Johnny Pain here... Sorry I haven't been in writing up my latest kills in here, but it's been difficult now that Democrats are in control of everything. As you know I only kill for liberal causes and annoyance, having a bad day, poor service at drive thru's and other victimless crimes.
During the Bush years, I knew my place. And even though i was killing a lot of Bushes supporters, as long as he was bogging weed from me, he just tacked the deaths up to 'collatoral damage of civilians,' which he has been convinced is the killing of some sort of vicious, middle eastern pitbull that is menacing our troops. Cheney had an entire dictionary made up just for Bush so when he asks someone to look up at word he doesn't understand (which anyone who was sane in the room pretended they were puzzling over as well, to avoid being suspected of speaking 'disguised French Stuff,' which Bush suspects any three syllable word of being... more syllables than that, and he starts babbling about ALeins trying to contact him again...).
The alleged, Dictionary, officially titled, Cheney's Big Book Of Black Magic For Children (written in the comic book form that Bush demanded as a condition of his having to read like 'a goddamned peasent), is responsible for the belief, which Bush still has, that one year after invading Iraq, total victory was secured.
Obama has called for an immediate release of all Comic Books fed to Bush during his years, because, to quote the shiny new president, "I might as well see what Rush Limbaugh's Think Tank -- the Flying Liars, is telling all of his fans. The Republicans are so desperate right now that they are attempting to recruit among the three months to two year old crowd. I do not think nursery school is the proper place for Children to learn about Wally The Waterboard, Shocky The Battery Who Attaches to Testicles... I mean, they describe Extrodinary Rendition as 'like a free trip to disney world, where all the rides make the terrorists like kids again."
Obama went on to express his disgust with some of the decorating changes to, of all things, the oval office bathroom. "Look, I know that Bush required a 21 gun salute after a successful Bowl Movement, and quite frankly, with this man's known love of farting in people's face and screaming, "Skull and Bowels, buddy, Skull and Bowels..." Well, these soldiers have suffered enough from this duty. And Bo, well, he has been having some problems in this area, so I am sending the Bowel Squad out to make sure Bo knows he is a good puppy when he makes Poo."
When This reporter asked if there was anything else about Bush that annoyed him, obama answered when the sustained laughter at the press conference died down enough, "Well, the satanic symbols everywhere are a little annoying. Not to mention the Horrorscope booths everywhere, which we were left from Nancy Reagen. Another thing a lot of people did not know about Bush was that he was strangling a lot of hookers down in Nixon's Old Bowling Alley. I understand this is just a cultural difference between myself and the neo-cons, and in the spirit of bipartisianship I do not want to look back on this sad chapter... well, basically Michelle said no, okay... so, our weekly Guy''s Nut Out is going to be limited to more down to earth entertainment, like snuff films... the latest weird torture videos from the CIA, you know. Having a good time and relaxing does not require hookers.... yea, you got me, more orders from Michelle. "
When I asked about the Spock ears, which Obama has refused to take off since seeing an advance screening of Star Trek, the president took a deep breath, stared off toward the ceiling in a manner his handlers tell him is presidential, and answered, "These ears were signed by Leonard Nimoy, who Michelle has had a crush on since she was a ittle kid.. " When Michelle, who was standing beside him at the podium poked him in the ribs and sent him a withering glance, The President amended his statement to add, "Okay, I think they look better than my ears. As a kid, I respected anyone who could make it with bigs ears. And, other than a few puppets, Nimoy was it.. this led to a lot of thinking about how if I always wore Spock Ears, people would think I have small ears underneath. See.... it all makes such perfectly logic, presidential sense."
When asked once again about when he is going to get around to legalizing pot, Obama gave what has become his stock 'weedy giggle' whenever mentioning stoning... hey, if we legalized this stuff that I have been getting... or reading about, I guess... you know smelling in the younger staffs offices and stuff.... and no, this is not why I am always burning incense in the oval office. Why are you asking this anyone.... are you, you know, holding man? Because if you are... search him. Yes, look what the secret service man is holding up. Say, officer stevens, what is that green stuff? Looks like pure up Hawaiin sir. Sticky, smelly... wow, this is some skunk."
The president then had the bag brought up for a presidential inspection, where he took a long sniff from the bag and announced, "This is a Vietnamese strain, southern provinces.... a guy named Pello... very unique red hairs on this, too. Reminds me of something. Oh, well. That's enough talking about those stoners. I could never, or so I have been told, get away with just legalizing pot entirely, though I am looking into starting a small country up in the attic,with a lot of black light posters and stuff, that will be declared the Free Republic Of Bongdom... which is a band I was in for awhile in college."
Check out all of my blogs by googling my name, John Scott Ridgway