PRESIDENT DECLARES: KILL ALL OTHER SPECIES!!
Penguins all over the world are spinning in circles so fast that they appear like black and white blurs as they scream again and again, "Oh, the shits with you!'
Visitors to zoos across the world responded differently to the odd behavior on the part of the notoriously unruly aquatic waterfowl.
At New York zoo, the cursing penguins were pelted with empty cans of coke and admonished to "put up some amusing antics, or get the hell out."
Surprisingly enough, the normally unarmed penguins returned fire with doubled barreled shotguns, taking out large swathes of the crowds gathered in front of their stage, and making for a few tense moments with a swat team before the police force surrendered to the penguins and joined them in their cages spinning around in circles screaming, "Oh, the shits wit ya!!"
When President W heard about the mass exodus of new York?s finest to the penguins, he told white house reporters, "You know what we have here? We have an animal terrorist event!!! You know, chickens, for some reason, all had it out for my father. Fuck em, and all the birds. We don't need em, not if they're terrorists. And they are -- terrorist animals!!! I won't have this, not on my watch!!!"
The increasingly unstable W., who aides and pundits alike are calling, "Maybe too full of himself," is said to now be traveling with three nuclear bombs in his briefcase in case 'God tells me to blow stuff up and kill everybody again."
The president is canvassing the senate and congress today trying to drum up support for his plan to, quote, ? . . . take out all the other animals, once and fucking for all. " Speaking to a shocked group of parents at the unveiling of a new wing of a grammar school library devoted to the presidents, W told the crowd of half quickly crying children, "I've been thinking about getting bit by this squirrel when I was a kid, or at least I'm thinking about it now. Who the hell can tell? And this bird... that fucking bird that messed up the grill on one of the very first cars dad bought me. Well, I wrote in a paper for some damn class about how men had been at war with wild animals since leaving Eden . . . maybe it was a sermon I heard somewhere, a readers digest or some damn thing . . . don't knock me about my memory, for god's sake, not after you cows voted for reagan, who couldn't -- I swear to god -- remember to wipe his ass by his second year in office. Reagen said it best one day when some guy fed him a speech as a joke on him, which they did a lot at the end, just to break the tension from the cold war and all..."I ain't paid to know, I am paid to make you fuckers tremble until I get my goddamn way."
Still no comment from the penguins. Puffins have yet to emerge, and all are still presumed dead
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