Chester Balls On U would always start out talking about sports, which he hated, drift into talking about his veneral disease count and related, often puss-soaked stories... Invariably, his few minutes on the air at the Peace and Pipedreams show ended with him pleaing for sex
with anyone desperatly diseased enough to swap a few with him.
A classic bit of BallsOnU:
"THis is... CHester, ballsonu, reporting... on sports. Which one? All you need to know is there was a ball, they all ran around, then went home... to loving lovers, you can bet... the kind of women who understand when a man has a couple dozens STD's and whatever he has picked up lately that have yet to be shown ... on weekly tests. My depends are full of puss, ladies... who wants to come help me shovel out the little pleasure plodder?"
Chester would go on as long as he could, forcing the other Dj's to yell him down, and sometimes physically toss him out of the studio (though they were all loath to touch him and set off any postule explosions). Once he was gone,there was usually some talk of the puddles of puss that he left on the chairs, etc.
Chester balls on u.... I can't remember if he has a backstory? I do know he got his first venerial diseases while still in the womb, and obtained a number of his diseases from his habit of picking up homeless women, the really, really crazy ones, who he could pay with table scraps.
Well, I suppose I could just call Chester Balls on U on the phone, and ask him a few questions?
"Chester, I was just writing a bit about you and realized that I don't know much."
"I have a veneral disease count, for the day, as of last tuesday, actually... of ..."
"I know about the vd, okay? Please do not remind me by referencing any open sores, or postules of anysort. I want to know what your parents did for a living, where you come from?"
"My father was used in Muskogeee experiments, where they gave black men vd so they could test them."
"Chester, you look like archie bunker, not Obama."
"My Father was a guard at the prison. And I am proud to say, the only patriot to step forward and volunteer for the program."
"Why the hell..."
"He was a genius, and something of a sex addict... always getting some disease and bringing it home to mother. This way, he had a full time excuse. Until it just fell off. He was 34 at the time. He had it stuffed, for mom to use... she never did, just left it on the mantel. Sometimes I pretended like it a space ship that got lodged in my but."
"Oh, too much... Nothing anal, Chester."
"Why are people always saying that to me?"
"How long has it been since you have discussed your shit drippings in your depends?"
"I was just discussing that with..."
"Esactly. Let's try to stick with my questions. What about your Mom?"
"My mother was one of the ugliest woman ever to walk the earth,, though she was also trippled jointed, so Dad bought her, cheap, off of a pimp who was like, her father, or maybe had been her father, though now was there mother. That question held the family reunuions enthralled, let me tell ya."
"Have you ever had a pet?"
"Here and there for a day or so. They always tend to get lodged in my anus and require another embarrassing trip the ER. I can still hear the neighbors when I brought home the last dog, who I called litttle enema... Yelling out, "Well, that'll be in his but before nightfall. I think, sometimes, these kind of statements are gypsy cureses... once you've been cursed, you have no choice."
"What is with the Beastiality and you characters from Peace and Pipedreams?"
"Well, from your lonely pedistal, I suppose you will say you have never rubbed your entire body with sharp Wisconsin cheddar cheese and then laid out naked in an alley as hundreds of rats take little, luscious love bits. The only safe word you need is Shooo..."
"No, I have no desire to... well, to do anything that you have ever thought was remotly related to sex, more than likely."
"Oh, some kind of super freak are you?"
"Super Meek. Your puss spewing ways disgust me. Okay, this name of yours, Chester Balls On U, that has to be a stage name, right?"
"Of course.... my real name is Chester Dickinass."
I hang up on the mind mess of Chester and think, once again, whoever comes up with these characters must be seriously deranged.
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