I cannot be blamed for having had good intentions, for following inspiration, or striking back when attacked.
I have a hell of time even thinking much about all the shit that has happened to me, politically, in the last few years. I've wasted enough time going over the events to have some idea of what happened to me, and how I was manipulated. I was trying to be an artist... not a politician, not a tyrant, sure as hell not the leader of an armed revolt. I would have been the last person in the world to want such a thing. I mean, certainly, there is a lot of shit worth fighting for, and I would if the cause wass right, but I am not involved in some underground war, except in the realm of the accepted politics. I want to see the country socilaize because the people know it is best not because some tyrants took controll... those kind of governments end up being tyrannies way to often to be tusted... so I fear and hate war; I know that nothing we experience in America is half as bad as things could get. We think we are in some deep shit now, but things would get horrible if the government really was to break down. I have no illusions about Anarchy. People simply are not set up to operate like that. There will always be people who want to rip everyone else off, extort others, etc... There always has been, and there always will be.
When I remember the beginnings of what happened, around 2007, I feel like I am looking into a tear in reality itself.
I have no way on gauging the political realities that I have placed myself within. I do understand that if they are trying to keep me as some kind of secret, for whatever reason, that they obviouslywill succeed, to some extent to make my life appear that way. Underneath my boring reality, I note how my writing is effecting events... I am always humbled and afeared when I see mention of this shit in the press. I am glad when it happens, mind you -- John Stewart and Colbert and Spade and Dick and The kILLERS and even Brittany Spears have reacted to me. I am weirded out by how many came out of the word work claiming that I am Christ, a space man and an angel. Oddly enough, in a way I feel like all of these things... This was very overwhelming. Perhaps Humanity felt that Jesus was here and was not waking up, and they were tired of waiting, so they came into my life and freed me from the illusion that I am merely a bit of flesh, the product of chaos and the long, long reach of time; ferilzer for the trees; souless and maddened by our imminent meeting with the Reaper. Or I was brain washed. They had me in the hospital, caused a series of black outs and seizures where-in they could have done anything. remember, when this started, they told my girlfriend I was sleeping for 30 hours and would not let her see me. That is not normal, folks.. for me tocome out of this with amnesia, then the slowly dawning thought that God was using me, is an experience that has changed me, as well as the world. The intelligence agencies, and various groups that most people dismiss as the fantasy of consiracy theorists, came into my life and tried to manipulate me in ways that ranged from trying to get me messages through the tv and radio -- which were blantantly for awhile... God, my repeating this over and over must be boring as hell for the people who really know all about this.
They knew they had to drug me to get this reaction out of me. The odd thing, if they implanted the Jesus idealogy in my mind, whey did the first dream I had about this date clear back to the 19980's?
If the theory stands that I was psychologically indoctrinated to act a certain way during this so called revolution, then I was something of a mancurian candidate.
I can only speculate as to how anyone decided I would be the one at the center of this monstrous shit.
If anyone reading this knows what I am talking about, let me ask once again, that you come to me and let me deal with the after-maths in a positive manner. If I am in the end forced to decide between never knowing, or never writing about, I am ready to choose the latter -- if only for my own mental stability.
So,how about it my spy friends? Why not come to me and find common ground from which we can all work together, rather than just classifying me subversive and trying to keep me on the down low as much as possible? I am not going to ask you to give me the money that Seinfeld insisted was stolen from me. You have to remember, at the time I was broke and starved and sure as hell had no idea what money people were even talking about on the news.
I was writing a fantasy about building a better world, combining facts and fiction to try to motivate peope to end the war, and elect Obama. Then, as the events swirled out of control, about the only thing I could do was act. The theories that flew about what I am... Where all of that came from is known by some. They should either give me evidence of my true nature, or tell me what the plan was. If I have been watched since birth... ugh, what a horrible thought.
I guess I am most sickened by the people who displayed me as I lived my life. Anytime I went along, as I did, it was because I had no choice. Why anyone would take someone who was in the frame of mind that I was in, and use them as their leader is well beyond me. The decision though, to try their hardest to keep me from realizing that there was a movement instigated by my words, was meant to take all control of these events out of my hands. Which is good. I do not want to be responsible for every action taken by someone who feels fucked over by the USA.
I know there are people who know about this and could inform me what happened. I kept thinking this would happen, sooner or later. Why not now? Why not just come to my door, say, Hey, Scott, we're going to debreif you now. I will sign a loyalty oath of secrecy if that is what you want. I was hesitant to do this before, but I am afraid to continue writing my usual stuff if I have to worry that someone out there is going to think that raising a hamster army is somehow a metaphor for blowing stuff up, or whatever.
My heart goes out to anyone who was hurt and or killed during this campaign. I know that I had it easy compared to some people. I am sorry that you were used. I had almost no control over anything. Or if I had some control, I sure as hell did not know about it. I ranted like I did, because that was in character with the Christ that started trying to take over my persoality.
I do not miss the manic druggings turned my life into hell. I do not miss the constant scrutiny of my lifestyle. What should it matter to others what I do in the privacy of my own house. I am so not a pervert/promiscous, etc....
I regret the sincerity of my confessions about my life. I felt at the time that if people were going to believe I was christ, then I had to show them that I am a man. I thought somehow this would lead to people being more forgiving of the differences we have. I think. I cannot even begin to respond to everything I said. I have an imagination that is honed for making up stories, not trying to make political speeches, let alone theory.
Now, you have to add into this mix the ideological madness of thinking that one is a godling. This is what I felt was shown to me . I was being treated with such fear, madness, and what-not that simple solutions were out of the question.
The preaching I did to the bugs has less to do with me than the circumstances that were created around me. If I had not been in such a crazed state, I would have never made the crazed statements that I did. Now, to try to defend this all is insane too. People who know me know that I have always been something of a wayward boyscout, but a boy scout none-the-less. I am the first to help when I can....
I tried to get the stoners and the disenfranchised back into politics. That is dangerous to the status quo. Even more dangerous when you drug the head of a movement, trying to get him to do or say something that you could prosecute him for.
I am proud that even though I threatened horrendous violence twice, they were both such absurd statements that of course nothing came of them. I was desperate to break out of the horrible world I was sentenced into. They wanted me crazy and locked up, or suicidal and ineffective. They wanted to make me look like a fool --- well, I am a fool. So what? Everyone is.
I cannot change what has happened. You cannot either. We can change what is going to happen, work together for once, instead of assuming so much about one another that we can't see the good.
This is my hallmark card to you
I am coming back to this entry, because in a way it might be very important.
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