I lay around with the events of the last year piled up on top of me, pressing down on my chest until I can barely breath. How do they get everyone to shut about me? When this first started, the tribune had a headline reading, There Is A Secret in This House. At the time, my gut feelings were leading me around, and i just avoided the coverage about me. I had been convinced that I was Jesus, and was writing a new bible. After a series of dreams and siezures and getting amnesia and put on a wicked drug that I did not need. I thought the world was going to rapidly change... and at the time I needed no more evidence than the bizarre poetry that was flowing from my mind. I was obsessed with my own words, and basicallyignoring everyone else, thinking I had found some level of truth that only I was privy...
When I finally took myself off the drugs, I laid in bed for a month, feeling horrible, knowing people had died because of me. Though also not because of me. That was not me, the thing they created with black psy-op's. When I saw that people were really trying to change the world, I of course wanted to keep the energy flowing... however, I let the people around me convince me that I was not at the center of the storm, that the lightening was all in mind. Some of it was certainly all in my mind, and other parts were just sad, old facts.
When I felt no one was reading me, there was a freedom just to be as obnoxious as I wanted. Now I feel like my words have to be carefully sparsed out to avoid over-reactions. I do not want anyone to die... My main intent was to get Obama elected, and to write a fiction/fact blog, in the style of new journalism, about revolution coming to america in the form of Christ. I truly do not believe that Obama would have been elected without my support. the New York Times published poetry in their op-ed section the day after the election, to let me know that some other people felt the same way. I did not get a chance to read the poetry, heard about it on the Colbert Report.
I do not know what to do now? For awhile, I felt like people expected me to go out and protest, and what not. Jessie Jackson's easter sermon was all about getting grace, not thanks... I thought he was addressing me, and found proof when they didn't rebroadcast the episode, like they always do... This has been a prevailing theme in my life -- they great they are doing their best to keep anyone from telling me the truth. However, as bad as this sounds, I feel so betrayed that I just sit here dealing with my own selfish emotions. I feel burned and used and distant from life. I could go up on a mountain and never see another human and be just fine with it... I think this sometimes. My Jeremiah Johnson fantasy.
I think the undercurrent of true patriotism that I found in this country was exploited by forces I cannot begin to understand. I was doing my own thing, and they were doing theirs. I regret so much... no one would have been hurt if they had left me alone. But... I was some kind of secret weapon that they were keeping back. I do not understand much of this... the secrecy in this world is a wall that I cannot see over, crawl over, or smash through.
Now, to you jailers... and the people who stole all the money that peace and pipedreams was making... and the people who aimed those quasars at me... they all know that I was in no condition to make leadership decisions. They knew that they had drugged and beaten me into a scarred old pit bull. I actually could have ran a great campaign, and they know as much... which is why they attacked me when I was on the brink of fame. I wrote at the time that I did not want fame and wealth, like I wrote a lot of things that I do understand at this point. I do think we make way too much of famous people, etc... and I do not want to become whatever some career consultant wants to be... still, I would like to make some money, if for no other reason than to give most of it away.
I think we did a good thing for this country. I think we woke up a lot of people. Had the best voter turn out among youth ever, which was what was needed to get a democratic majority in the senate, congress, etc...
I turned down the chance the rule, because that was not my objective at all. I just wanted the same basic changes that almost everyone wants.
I am done fighting with people. I love some people who are pissed at me. Like Mayor Daly, part of me likes that he is an anti-politician when it comes to being calm and collected. I love the city I live in, and he deserves a lot of credit. That doesn't mean I agree with everything he does, but it sure as hell does mean I hate him. Tommy Smothers is another example. I always loved the smothers brothers, and was shocked that he would come out against me, of all people. This tells me that things were done in my name that I would not have wanted. Liberal's have no reason to dislike me at all. The phrase Total War For Total Peace was about making a committment to get the justice that is required for true peace. I suppose they despise me because I think some fights are worth fighting. I am not going to change my opinion.
I would take back a lot of what I said. You just don't understand that the conflicts going on inside of me were tremondoous, and created by people who looked at me like their enemy.
I kept thinking, if this is really happening, then someone will sooner or later come to me. I understand now that the security was too tight for that to happen. Now? It must still be there, or some people at least would be coming forward. What can I do? Nothing...
I was almost getting to the point where I could go on, and just fight my little war with the few people who come to my blog. Today, I feel so defeated... like there is nothing worth fighting for anyways.
Do I have any friends left in the media? Am I truly alone now? Would I leave Chicago and find that people know about me in other cities?
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