this is kind of a rambling statement of purpose, and outline, for an internet show, that I am going to start on Blog Talk Radio.
I am calling it, what else...
the elves bloody attic
I kind of like the sound of that, and it is weird enough to warn people that this is not your normal fare.
I use this title because the show will be about real issues, and the stories that I write have a lot of blood in them. This gives me an honest sign out front, at least. I can see myself writing some horrific violent comedy, then ending with a sincere appeal on the part of Cease Fire, an organization trying to get guns off the streets. A buzz kill, but a necessary one. A reminder that the show has an intent that is not merely to amuse, but to startle into cognitive thinking.
With this in mind, the prose below here is less a cohesive entry, then me laying out what I want in the show, little skits that will become the show, and an outline of the first show, as well as a general direction for three or four later shows, and a direction that would carry the stories on as long as I please, I suppose. At first, I am just going to use all my own characters. I will eventually start adding other people in, but for now... I want to play to my strengths. What I know works, while still experimenting a bit. I have a ton of material.
Rough Reading Ahead.... sorry. Brainstorming, mostly. I found it amusing.
After getting a slight taste of doing radio during Peace and Pipedreams, I feel like there is certainly an audience for my kind of humor. We got a lot of huge laughs, and more importantly, I learned that I can do a lot of different voices, and have tons of characters to draw from. On the show, I often talked through the voices of two different characters, and sometimes way more.
So... I had been wondering how to go about this, and writing my stuff, and sitting it on the back burner, until I ran into some big fans of the show, and realized that if I did some more of this kind of comedy, I would get listeners. I found a place on the web where they have advertisers, and you are paid if you get enough listeners. Our problem on the last show was that we had a lot of listeners, but not one who would buy ads. They did not really try to sell them, to be honest. A learning experience that I never could have paid them enough for, actually.
Anyways, I spent yesterday going over the free to premium packages that are offered at this station to get radio time. You can get four hours of limited service a week for very nothing, but you are somewhat limited in what you can do. This is fine, but the next one up allows for up to five different people to involve themselves from their computers. And for audience folk to call up or communicate through the net, like they did with us a Peace and Pipedreams.
With this kind of set up, I can get original music from my Buddy Ben. I will tape the content before hand, mostly, though there would be portions that I would go with live talk. I do not want to rely on that. The show should be funny enough that people want to listen. I
The format of the show would be interviews, comedy sketches, readings of short story, Poetry with jazz guitar in the background. This will like doing a puppet show in a way for me, because I will do most all of the voices. I am not going to count on anyone. I want this project to run just fine whether anyone else gets involved or not. I have enough voices to people the dam thing... especially between Mary Ann and I. She has an incredible radio voice. And she is very funny. At peace and pipedreams, she was great. Nervous, though... like she would not have to be here, because we will practice. We did not practice at peace and pipedreams. We came up with skits and improvised. This is a great way to generate new material, though I always think that with a little work, it could get better. An editor.
The characters will certainly be some of the strangest ones on the radio. The show is going to be rated Mature, and will feature the most disgusting characters from my blog, as well as some from my short stories.
The characters are basically those who you see in the blogs. One will just be me, and that will be scott. Jesus will be a central part of the show, reading his poetry. Moonbong will always be saying afterwards, "Boring... and That's buzzkill, man.... goddamn buzz kill. No, offense, jesus-dude."
Jesus will be kind of petulant in a way, and comedic when interacting with people, though the poetry is going to be intense. I will be reading, as a bit of a subtext to the entire show, poetry from waking up jesus. This will tell a story. Now, these shows will be available for download, or listening, and I am counting on people who come across the show, going back and downloading the old ones. They will if they are interested, and that will reward them with get the entire story arc of the radio shation. I will approach the show as an on-going fiction, peopled with a few real folk who are interviewed, or just me talking..
In this vein, I can read my trio of Novellas, from One War, over the course of three different shows, if I should decide to make longer shows? Why not? A free book to listen to.
The rythmn of the show will be very important. The length of one skit playing off another.
I want to record a lot of my poetry and comedy, in format very short, and long.... I will have six hours a week, should I so choose, to fill up, so I really could just do a long project. Say, interview someone for an hour. Question is, though... could I do a good one for an hour? It is more realistic to do ten minute interviews with a few different people.
The first show will introduce all of the characters, and the format. I have a zillion short stories, and essays, that I can read. This gives me plenty of material, and will be the core of the show.
Among the skits I am probably going to do....
I think I will frame the first show around Scott talking to all of the different characters, and introducing them to the listeners. I can do this with no help from anyone. I began sketching out the characters in here a few weeks ago, in anticipation of getting my comedy going again, and I found the interview worked great with Johnny Pain and Moon Bong, and Chester. I will have Scott starting a radio show, and he hunts them down to get them to work on it. They will all have been fired from Spineless Radio. I can milk this for quite awhile.
I am going to bring in the meth head, because that amuses me, but there is not going to be a gay cult of Boner. I will use Gilford Tuttle as a mock advertiser, who buys time on the show so that he can talk directly to the kind of sinners that Scott attracts to his work.
I hear it now... Scott comes out and talks about what is going to be on the show, and introduces tapes he made from interviews with the characters, taken the day he asked them to be on the new show.
As he plays them, the characters, who conciet sets in the studios now listening to these things for the first stime, comment on the recording, interrupt it, so he has to turn it off... and start it again.. Chester, especially, is embarrassed... Johnny Pain is afraid too many national security secrets will get given away, which is a concern shared by Dirk Hard, Military Intelligence Officer who has been assigned to monitor what Johnny Pain says, because he gets really wasted and tals about shit theyreallywish that he wouldn't... that of course does not stop him. I will put some real shit in here, too.. for those who know, though of course the usual magical realism format will always apply to my work.
Scott then introduces Gilford Tuttle, who is their first advertiser. Scott has no idea who the guy is, until he starts his Live Commercial Moment, which is the only pay scott is as yet getting from the radio show, and which they all have to split... So, they suffer along. Scott wants him to quit, but Chester and Moonbong suck up, going along for 'weed money' and 'herpes salve', respectively.
This will be a good break off into material that I have already written. The guilford tuttle entries in my blog are written like the are inserted advertisement, so I brought the same conciet to the radio show, and it was funny heckli'ng the commercials, or moonbong and chester saying their hollow though earnest 'Amens."
1) introduction with scott, announcing format, saying what is coming up, and how he is going to introduce the characters, who are on their new show.
2) Scott plays the respective interviews, and the characters comment on them. This will bring a lot of different characters into play, right from the start.
3) Gilford Tuttle
4) Jesus comes on and says that he has to say something about Tuttle. Tuttle does not believe that the long haired, hippied out, jesus is the messiah, as a lot of people do not, but Gilford has his own conception of a jock jesus, who is almost a nazi. Jesus actually tries to be nice to him, because, as Jesus says, He is so obviously messed up in the head." Turns out Tuttles have been inbreeding forever, because they believed that their scizophrenia was a blessing from God thatbrought seers to the planet. Gilford is not scizophrenic, but he has adopted a lot of their odd beliefs.
5) Jesus then demands equal time, as radio and tv used to have to offer... Scott explains that this is no longer a law, and they chat a second about how now stations just backed whoever they wanted out right. From Fox to Democracy Now. Heads At War.
There we go. That should be Jesus segment. Heads at War. Two views of an issue from both sides, and seeing where the truth lies. Who is trying to influence people with dishonesty, and who is just lying to them to get their way. First segment will be health care, because I have thought a lot about this one and can do a nice essay on the topic in the voice of Jesus. I have one, in fact.
I like the idea of Jesus having intelligent opinions on the news, as well as a wildly mystical side.
He should end by reading a poem I have about false churches... mostly tom cruise stuff.... that is pretty dark, and would damn someone like Gilford Tuttle, without out right saying so.
6) The Writings Of Johnny Pain
Here, Iwill read the full history of Johnny Pain, slowly, starting with blog entries I have about his killings and what not.
7) Last segment... reasons to live another week? Moonbong could always say weed,though they are supposed to think of something new.. . Chester could describe his latest conquest in hoary detail. Jesus could joke that women and weed were about all he cared about, then always go bac to, oh, man,you now I live to serve the Father. Got orders to follow, Places to be, apocolypses to bring on. "You think you had bad parents? My dad sent me to earth to get all chummy with everyone before I burn down your planet. Who asks their kid to do that? This isnot good parenting. I know, I've had thousands of them. Billions if you count the souls."
Scott Interrupts, "Jesus, this is supposed to be reasons to live.... not another one of your whining sessions."
Johnny Pain:" Yea, Jesus, don't act lie being a mass murderer is such a bad thing, eh? Not right to my face. Take it behind my back, man. I got about three or four feelings left in my bullet riddled heart, and you are hurting them."
Jesus Responds, "Okay, I am grateful for about everything, when I am feeling grateful."
Scott, impatiently now, "Like What? Be specific. Don't be launching into the free verse poetry or I will shoot at you. I now you are too fast to hit, but by God, there will be causalties at this radio show."
"I'd just ressurect them, Johnny."
"Yea, you are a little hard to threaten."
"Gods, you know... vs human? You're not even an ant on the sidewalk."
"So you remind me."
Segment 8
Here, I will talk about what is coming up on the next show, and then tell the listeners that what follows will be an advertiement from their sponsor. Invite them to stay along, or download later, the second half of the show, which is going to be something unique. A novelist reading his book for about a half hour/maybe forty minutes. A stretch. The book is three novellas, and all are meant to kind of stand on their own, though ultimatly they tell a story as a trio. This way, people can see if they want to continue or not, based on the foremat. If I have done my job they will want to hear more.
A simple format, in a way. I could do it from a script, live recording it, by myself. That is perfectly what I want to start out with. I can expand from there. I can generate new material all week. Do theme shows. Maybe a mostly poetry show, a mostly short stories, a mostly comedy.... why not? The first should be the mostly comedy.
Theme: The Mostly Comedy Show
Theme: The Mostly Short Story Show
Theme: The Mostly Poetry. Here I could have different categories. Saying Scott writes some poetry and Jesus writes some. MoonBong Should Write Really Bad Odes To Weed And Fallen OD's.
All the shows have to have all elements. An intro that explains the theme, what is upcoming, and what to expect. Remind people they can download and listen later if they want? Comedy right away, then. The Characters in the radio station have to always start the show by asking each other how they are doing, and what they are going to be doing on the show. Chester will say what his vd of the week was, and the conquests he will discuss is FranK Talk About My Sex Life with Chester Ballsonu... which will always digress into a plea with listeners that if they like him, they can always meet him in such and such alley, and he describes what table scraps he will have with him. He will always have to be shouted down at this point, and often kicing him in the balls to get him to shut up, which always results in pus spewing from his veneral disease puss filled depends. An on going joke, for sure....
Why Not.... I can tell people, the rest of this show is going to consist of John Scott Ridgway reading the first of three installments of his 128 page or so book. This is short enough, and starts out kind of comedic and light in a way, though it ends... well. Bad. Though hopefully not badly.
MORE SKITS, ETC...
Chester BallsOnU will be a reporter on the scene, who will always be lying about actually being at the event, instead he will be roaming the alleys of skid-ro, looking for women who will lay him for table scraps -- a hobby he picked up from his pop, who was in the aluminum can trade.
A running joke... Chester Will also host the segment that is required as a public service, so Chester will talk about his VD of the week. He will introduce the disease, give the gross descrioptions, talk about the all the plastic surgeries his genitals have required over the years, etc.
Moonbong is going to be the butt of jokes. I do hate that hippy, but he makes a lot of people laugh, so I will do it. THERE is going to be a segment, ala mancow on mushroom, called GETTING MOONBONGS ASS KICKED. We will send him out to get his ass kicked, basically.
Moon:" Dude, what is this segment about Moonbong gets his, like, ass kicked?"
Scott: "Oh, we're going to send you out to insult people, then pretend like they are kicking your ass. Here, let me play you a tape of one I did."
Scott plays a tape that has him politely asking a passing woman the time. She sounds like a little old lady. After she tells him the time, Scott starts pretending she is attacking and beating him, asking why, why, dear god why....
The juxtaposition of the straight, sweet old lady voice and getting his ass kicked should be funny.
Okay, moonbongs Gerbongs, and Cat Cleaning Service. I am revamping both of these. I will make some new ads, and play them along with Gilford Tuttle in the fake commercials.
Johnny Pain should have some weird motive for doing the show... Oh, yea... he does it to hang around with Jesus. Johnny Pain totally believes in Jesus now that he has met the real one. He never did before.
Jesus. Okay, Jesus will also be introduced with an interview as well. Jesus has just woke up and is adjusting, slowly. He has had induced amnesia most of his life, and has only just in the past couple years figured out who he is. The poetry will make all of this clear, but I still want even the most serious passages, to be deconstructed through comedy.
He resent God a bit, but he is trying to get over it. Says things like, "you can only blame your parents so many billions of years, before you just got to grow up and take responsibility for your own self."
On The Show, Jesus should do a segment called, CULT REPORT OF THE DAY... IN this segment, different destructive cults and non -destructive cults throughout history will be essay'd and framed by his opinions on religion. This will be serious, in a way. But I do not think injecting some humor will sulley the subject matter in any way. That spoonfull of sugar that makes the kool-aid slosh down in such a deadly way. A Jim Jones reference -- strange cult that one. I want to go with some more obscure ones, especially from early 18th century religious movements that tried all kinds of different modes of life. The old religions were just then dying, leaving every one wondering what was going to hold civilizations together now?
Yeats wrote his so quoted .... what rough beast line... wondering what was coming down the pike to control mankind with the same iron fist of religion?
Back and forth from the serious, to the absurd. I will use my own voice as the primary character, the main host. Kevin Matthews is great at this. Used to laugh my ass off listening to him in Grand Rapids, where I first discovered him and listened, for the first time in my life, to a station just for the DJ. Generally, they were just more blather that was not music coming out of a machine I had just turned on for music.
I am working out the first show as I write. Intent on going on and on until not one reader is left. The monkey is still dancing for your amusement, but also mine, and as I write I realize that I will have to write some kind of disclaimer at the top saying what this is.
The rythmn of the show?
OPENING SEGMENT:
DESCRIPTION: Scott will introduce himself, say what he is going to do on the show, make jokes about the characters he is going to be interviewing, and then go to the interviews.
Now, as far as how long to do the shows... I do not want to try to fill some ridiculous amount of time, because these are to be downloaded, mostly, at first. Why not put up half hour shows, two hour shows, etc... As long as you start at the same time, so people who want to interact with the show know that if they tune in, there will be a live person there. In fact, I will let the people who call in talk to whichever character they want. Still, like I said, I am not going to rely on that.
Just producing a few good radio plays would amuse me. Plus, it would add some structure to my life. A jobish point. I miss that about the radio station. I did feel that I was doing something cool, stretching my wings.
Politically, Scott is going to have a few segments he will do. WHAT THE F IS HAPPENING will be a take on the war. During this one, I would read the names of the dead, then read a peace poem, or a war poem, or whatever.... the stuff about soldiers, etc...
I also want to review a few books. Reviews From My Bookshelves, which will primarily be about older books, but I was also sent one by the agent of John lennon's sister, but I have never been able to sit down and read it. This has nothing to do with the book. I will read it. I was just so raw from what happened to me, what with going crazy after being misdiagnosed and given a drug that drives lots of folks crazy, not just me... all the time in the news, you read that people were put on these SSRI's and went crazy. Listen to the people doing these horrible crimes, and you begin to see a pattern. By design, or accident, this is horrible and needs to be stopped.
THERE WE go BAD DRUGS OF THE WEEK
Here, I will compare the horrors of some psychiatric practices, oppossed to good ones that I know about. I am not going to pretend there is no place for psychiatry. Helped me at times, and messed me up at times. I have a seen a lot of causalties on that battle front. I had a close friend who was a social worker, and she introduced me to a support group that she went to because she was not only a therapist, but a therap-eee... if there is such a thing. Desperate lives of cutting and crazy stories called into the state police about her psychiatrist, who she claims is an alein. You know, they needed help. I am glad there are good people out there trying. And sorry the shit-heads are messing it up for you.
Okay, I am free to do anything politically here, which is what I wanted at peace and pipedreams but... well, shit happened. When you are a character, and not the director and producer, it is difficult to really get what you want out of a project, from my perspective. I will read political poetry, of course. I do not want to rely too much on reading others articles and commenting on them all the time, like a blog... but I should at least mention a few stories in the news that touch on larger issues.
Eventually... Okay, that is what I have been thinking about these last few days...
AND THIS
A lot of preconcieved notions need to be worked through to approach the truth on this lying planet.
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