SARAH PALIN IS DISCOVERED TO BE THE ANTI-CHRIST
The world woke up to a very new day, after former Alaskan Senator Sarah Palin, proved she is the anti-christ by burning Russia to a 'crisp.' Witnesses brought in from the scientific, religious, and political world were all stunned to find that the perky soccer Mom indeed possesses the awe inspiring of her father, Satan himself. When asked by reporter's how the Prince of Darkness felt about the ascent of the anti-christ, he replied, "I knew she would do just fine when Cheney started worshiping her. He was the only hold out on the Hades Ruling Council. Closet case. The rest of them wanted her in just for the wet t-shirt contests she likes to hold when meetings get too tense. Me, too. You think incest is forbidden around that ho, you might just get in the way of my red hot one and get a whole nother hole for the bother. Which I will never, ever let heal."
The world woke up to a very new day, after former Alaskan Senator Sarah Palin, proved she is the anti-christ by burning Russia to a 'crisp.' Witnesses brought in from the scientific, religious, and political world were all stunned to find that the perky soccer Mom indeed possesses the awe inspiring of her father, Satan himself. When asked by reporter's how the Prince of Darkness felt about the ascent of the anti-christ, he replied, "I knew she would do just fine when Cheney started worshiping her. He was the only hold out on the Hades Ruling Council. Closet case. The rest of them wanted her in just for the wet t-shirt contests she likes to hold when meetings get too tense. Me, too. You think incest is forbidden around that ho, you might just get in the way of my red hot one and get a whole nother hole for the bother. Which I will never, ever let heal."
Empresses Palin then flew around the world at lightening speed, easily outrunning the various airforces who scrambled to catch her unathorized flight. As she passed continents, the sun darkened and a disturbing, silent night began to fall over the world. Society immediantly began breaking down, with drugged ot crowds filling the streets with group prayer and sex.
When Palin returned from her flight, she told the press she had gathered at her Mansion, "Now that you bastards know what you are up against, I guess you could say that no... I will not be running for president. I am the fucking emperress for life. From this day forward, the Republicans will live exlusively on the backs of liberal slaves. All manuel labor from this day forward. That Obama and his vice=president Gore are right now being tortured on the wrack. We had Clinton on there, too... his moans were not those of pain. Oh, goodness, listen to me. And with all the kids watching. So, world, you have just been shown that this pitbull has teeth under this lipstick."
The wildly enthusiastic crowd in the stadiums ranged from dead celebrities, to infamous figures from hisory such as Adolf Hitler (who was given the honored seat on satan's right hand), Jack The Ripper, Ronald Reagen, Faty Arbuckle and a somewhat chastined looking Mother Teresa, who refused to answer any questions about why she too was in hell.
As television stations across the world began to break the news, various countries attempted to fire nuclear weapons into Alaska, though the perky Empresses warded them off with a wave of her hand, sending most to Africa and the middle east, where she said, no one will be missed.
Then.... as quickly as the mayhem stopped... a white light, blinding to the eye, with a heat that felt like it was going to incinirate flesh, filled the earth.... and out walked Jesus. Blue beams from his eyes dissolved everyone who a moment before had been celebrating Palin, leaving alive only those few of us who had been abducted and forced to follow the press conference before we even knew what it was about.
"Jesus," I asked, "What the hell is going on with this shit?"
"Son... the anti-christ cannot win, obviously. He comes up all the time, in all sorts of guises. In fact, he can split his soul and live a lot of different roles at once. This explains how Newt Gingrich and Limbaugh can exist on the same time continum."
"What about Palin, sir.... will she be back?"
"Not as Sarah Palin.... but everyone gets to come back. She has been horrible in this life.... what if she was a saint in the last life? Whose life should decide how they will be judged for all eternity? What if our souls are just evolving, coming back into flesh all over, growing until we are ready for a cosmic journey? What if my fucking job is to hang out here until you fucking humans finally grown up. I mean, God will not tell me when the apocolypse is coming, so I have no way of knowing if I should just give up on you people and await the end, or keeping trying to save you from this soul trap as quickly as I can. I liked life so much better on my home planet... where I was a coral reef."
As the Deity spoke, a bloody Palin, missing a left arm and most of her face -- though her hair was remarkable intact, rose up behind Jesus and aimed a sceptor at him, spewing red lava that blasted into his back. Jesus sighed in disappointment, turned around and flicked his finger in the direction of Palin and she split into peices that became smaller and smaller until the wind blew her off.
"I thought you said she would not be coming back?"
"Hey, nobodies perfect."
"They said you were."
"Priests. They say that so no one will dispute what they say I said. I was a boof, like anyone... until I found out I was Jesus. The first 32 years.... well, I was pretty wild, let me tell ya. And this time, too... when I first came back. Milked this human life for 45 years until Dad finally told me to wake up and get this apocolypse thing going."
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